Jokes!!!

**Baron von Biffo** · 02-08-2012, 10:38 PM

**TotalMayhem** · 03-08-2012, 01:17 PM

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says ‘tis okay. I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but can I at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes?

**Richardbouvet** · 03-08-2012, 01:19 PM

I take offence at that! My dad's side of the family are from Clare.

**TotalMayhem** · 03-08-2012, 01:24 PM

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather"

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". In other words, partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

**Kid Ryder** · 03-08-2012, 01:26 PM

Don't mind him TM, those half-breeds have too thin a skin. Weak joke, but this Clareman in exile takes no offence.

Just like all those 'plastic Paddies' who are quick to take offence Ireland's behalf, while elbowing out any and all FBIs who horn in on their gig of explaining their 'homeland' to the 'civilised nations' (stand up and take a bow Mr. McDonagh you fukkin' cockney fake!)...

**TotalMayhem** · 03-08-2012, 01:34 PM

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

**Ephilant** · 03-08-2012, 01:43 PM

**TotalMayhem** · 04-08-2012, 05:38 PM

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!

"So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

**TotalMayhem** · 05-08-2012, 10:46 PM

**5intheface** · 09-08-2012, 10:24 PM

A woman goes in to a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.

**PaddyJoe** · 09-08-2012, 10:36 PM

Originally Posted by 5intheface

A woman goes in to a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.

Not two?

**5intheface** · 09-08-2012, 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by PaddyJoe

Not two?

Yes, she gave him one too.

**TotalMayhem** · 10-08-2012, 10:54 AM

How can you tell the difference between a Romney supporter and an Obama supporter?

One signs their checks on the front, the other signs their checks on the back