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Thread: Jokes!!!

  1. #571
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    Jul 2011
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
    Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
    'What does that mean?' asked the child.
    'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage..'
    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
    He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
    Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
    You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)................



















    The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

  2. #572
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    Jul 2011
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRmk7jcYII0&context=C3286142ADOEgsToPDskKx pL5sxF4bc8bZtqhdjvd0"]3 Lovely Dublin Old Ladies - Very Funny! - YouTube[/ame]

    3 DUBLIN LADIES

  3. #573
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    Aug 2011
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    a rock on the edge of Europe...
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    13,201

    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    I had phone sex last night...

    Had to get the morning after bill....
    Cause I can’t change, I can’t change the world alone
    I need you all, everybody, start dreaming of it
    And take your step that’s gonna make a difference and change your world
    - Hotel FM


    www.fluffybiscuits.org - Eccentric,Utopian and a tad mad

  4. #574
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by fluffybiscuits View Post
    I had phone sex last night...

    Had to get the morning after bill....
    THATS A CRACKER

  5. #575
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    Jul 2011
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    449

    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks
    What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks
    What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain
    When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."
    So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.
    The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
    What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

  6. #576
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    Jul 2010
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    Out of my mind
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    11,132

    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris:
    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest-room.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

    15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.
    Thus all which you call Sin, Destruction—in brief, Evil—that is my true element.

  7. #577
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    Jul 2011
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    Smile Re: Jokes!!!

    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asks ... "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"






















    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

  8. #578
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    Feb 2010
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    A spokesman for the Ulster Hospital has described Ian Paisley's condition as satisfactory.


    I presume that means he has died.
    http://ancruiskeenlawnmower.wordpress.com/

    If dreams were lightning, thunder was desire, this whole place would have burned down, a long time ago.

  9. #579
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    Mar 2010
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by 5intheface View Post
    A spokesman for the Ulster Hospital has described Ian Paisley's condition as satisfactory.


    I presume that means he has died.

  10. #580
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    Feb 2010
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    In reality, when they say he is 'stable', that's when we'll know he's in real bad shape.
    http://ancruiskeenlawnmower.wordpress.com/

    If dreams were lightning, thunder was desire, this whole place would have burned down, a long time ago.

  11. #581
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Hell will never be full till he is in it

  12. #582
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    Feb 2010
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by BARNEYKX View Post
    Hell will never be full till he is in it
    He's giving a real boost to the text messaging industry that's for sure, the lack of sympathy is palpable.
    http://ancruiskeenlawnmower.wordpress.com/

    If dreams were lightning, thunder was desire, this whole place would have burned down, a long time ago.

  13. #583
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    Jul 2011
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by 5intheface View Post
    he's giving a real boost to the text messaging industry that's for sure, the lack of sympathy is palpable.
    like a lot of people in nr ire i witnessed what he did many times

  14. #584
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    Mar 2010
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    15,318

    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Graffito on a Glasgow toilet door:-

    Here I sit broken hearted.
    Paid a penny and only farted.

  15. #585
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    Mar 2010
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    15,318

    Default Re: Jokes!!!



    As the Pearly Gates slowly open, the first face Ian Paisley sees is John Paul II.

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