Jokes!!!

[yehbut_nobut]

Bridget was only a poitín makers daughter, but Pat loved her still.

[5intheface]

Bridget was only a poitín makers daughter, but Pat loved her still.

She was only the roadmender's daughter but she liked her asphalt.

[Lifeisagame]

Cowboy's Chili


A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and
in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back
into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[ThomasB]

THe biggest Joke at the Moment is our country and the gombeens running it

[Andrew49]

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time..
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day holiday requires only a hold-all
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is €8.95 for a five-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 15 minutes in the Esso shop.

No wonder men are happier.

[wickedfairy]

Kidnapped
A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam just outside Dublin on the M50 motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Pensioners" have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenehan & Mary Harney, and a bunch of Bankers.
They're asking for a €30 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car taking up a collection."


The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[TotalMayhem]

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[Ah Well]

Clinton to Chelsea: I want you to marry a boy of my choice
Chelsea: I want to choose my own groom.
Clinton: But the boy is Bill Gates' son.
Chelsea: Well, in that case? Yes
Next Clinton went to Bill Gates
Clinton: I have a bride for your son.
Gates: But my son is too young to marry.
Clinton: But this young girl is a vice-president of IMF.
Gates: "Ah, in that case... Yes
Finally Clinton goes to see the president of the IMF.
Clinton: I have a young woman to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Clinton: But this young woman is Bill Gates' daughter-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case? Yes.

[PaddyJoe]

I know it is old and weary but it makes me laugh every time.
George Bush and Condoleeza Rice conversation:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[Newsy]

Noah's Adventures 2010
In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, now living in Ireland , and said: Once again the earth has become wicked, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing a long with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

I need Bord Pleanala approval.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I've violated zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We have to go to an appeals tribunal.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines to reach the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the red squirrel.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the squirrels - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the ICTU over using Polish carpenters on my building crew.

Now immigration are checking the status of all the people on the job.

The trades unions insist that I hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, NAMA seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.


'Fianna Fail beat me to it.'

[TotalMayhem]

Identity Crisis in Europe

1. Spain is not Greece - Elena Salgado, Spanish Finance minister, Feb 2010

2. Portugal is not Greece - the Economist, 22nd April 2010

3. Ireland is not in "Greek Territory'' - Irish Finance Minister Brian Lenihan.

4. Greece is not Ireland - George Papaconstantinou, Greek Finance minister, 8th November 2010

5. Spain is neither Ireland nor Portugal - Elena Salgado, Spanish Finance minister, 16 November 2010

6. Neither Spain nor Portugal is Ireland - Angel Gurria, Secretary-general OECD, 18th Nov 2010

[TotalMayhem]

Steve Jobs is considering buying Ireland to solve their problems.

It shall of course be rebranded iLand.

[TotalMayhem]

Cultural Differences Noticed at the G20 meeting in Toronto …



The Canadian: Self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.

The American: Businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The French and the Italian: “LOOK AT THAT A$$!”

[Lifeisagame]

What's in a name?


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother,
Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick,
this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up
Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[Lifeisagame]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"


"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"


"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?





"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."



Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock!"