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Thread: Jokes!!!

  1. #1
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    Thumbs up Jokes!!!

    The Haircut

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
    After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
    bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a Member of the Dail came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
    I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left
    the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
    the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
    My niece just e-mailed me this joke.

    Had to share it.....enjoy!!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!


  3. #3
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    funny but true

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    How do you know there are Belfast People on your aeroplane?

    The engines all cut out but you can still hear whining.
    http://ancruiskeenlawnmower.wordpress.com/

    If dreams were lightning, thunder was desire, this whole place would have burned down, a long time ago.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    how do you know Jesus Christ was not from Derry - He fell three times and never claimed

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by culmore View Post
    how do you know Jesus Christ was not from Derry - He fell three times and never claimed
    They call it LegendDLA now.
    http://ancruiskeenlawnmower.wordpress.com/

    If dreams were lightning, thunder was desire, this whole place would have burned down, a long time ago.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Why wasn't Jesus born in Kerry?
    He needed three wise men and a virgin...

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    When was the first mention of elasticity in the bible?

    When Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles into the desert.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.."

    The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
    Thus all which you call Sin, Destruction—in brief, Evil—that is my true element.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
    Now give me back my dog.
    Thus all which you call Sin, Destruction—in brief, Evil—that is my true element.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

    The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

    The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,....Dad. ...I became a prostitute.. ."

    "Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

    "OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside
    plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

    "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

    Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

    "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Joke .... A rabbit walks into a pub

    A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:

    'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

    The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

    The next night, the pub is packed.

    In walks the rabbit and says:

    'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

    The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..' The rabbit looks aghast.

    The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

    The barman, with a roguish smile says:

    'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

    'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

    The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....



    ...NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


    One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

    The barman says, 'Who are you?',

    To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

    The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

    The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

    The barman said, 'I remember, on your very last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

    The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

    The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

    'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

    'NO?!?!' said the barman. 'What from?'

    After a short pause. The rabbit said...












    'Mixin-me-toasties.'
    Give me a misty day, pearly gray, silver, silky faced, wide-awake crescent-shaped smile

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
    Dear Grand-daughter,
    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

    So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

    'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

    Everyone started honking!

    I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

    I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

    My grandson burst out laughing.

    Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

    So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

    So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon,

    Love, Grandma

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Newsy View Post
    My niece just e-mailed me this joke.

    Had to share it.....enjoy!!
    bet d TDs put in expenses for it regardless.
    "There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by sword. The other is by debt." -- John Adams

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Jokes!!!

    Humour about marriage

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'
    Husband: Nothing.
    Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'




    ---------------------------------------------


    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
    Wife: 'Yes or No.'

    ____________________________________



    Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?'
    Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
    Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.'
    Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


    --------------------------------------------------------

    Stress Reliever
    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


    --------------------------------------------------------

    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


    ________________________________________


    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'

    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


    -------------------------------------------------------
    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'




    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.

    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

    Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

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