It's Banned!!!

[Count Bobulescu]

GETTIN' FREAKY IN A GRAVEYARD, IN THE U.K.

Raunchy Britons have been severely stymied by authorities in Birmingham, who recently passed expedited criminal punishment to anyone caught rutting on the grounds of a 607-year-old church. Oddly enough, it is the cemetery of St. Mary's that has proven magnetic for a motley crew of amorous weirdos. After a decade of stumbling over nude arms and legs flailing among the tombstones, locals finally got disgusted enough to obtain a retaliatory “Section 222” order. Now, anybody caught babbing, back-scuttling or displaying a "badly packed kebab" will be thrown onto the fast-track to jail. Council member James McKay applauded the crackdown to the Birmingham Mail: “I congratulate the bravery of the local community who felt empowered to make a change and reclaim their neighbourhood.”

SMOKING IN PARKS, IN ATLANTA

Have trouble enjoying nature's beauty without the soft-focus haze of a lit cigarette? Then you might want to avoid Atlanta's parks, where smoking is now punishable by a fine of up to $1,000. The city council threw down a nearly unanimous vote on Monday eliminating the burning of ciggies, Cohibas and calabashes throughout most of the burg's green spaces. Mayor Kasim Reed is expected to rubber-stamp the measure. This prohibition comes despite the best efforts of the International Premium Cigar & Pipe Retailers Association, which had urged smokers to threaten the city pols: “You've made your choice, and I will likely reconsider my choice of who represents me in the next city elections.”
While support for the antismoking ban seems widespread, especially among parents, outrage is burning holes in the Atlanta-area comments boards. Witness this dude's tortured reasoning on 11 Alive News: "Since there are far more children with actual severe allergies to such things as dandelions and grass pollen than there are with any documented allergic reaction to tobacco smoke, I guess that means the parks will soon be paved over so that they will 'be healthy for all to enjoy?'" And on the same page, this cancer-stick supporter writes in: "Hell the kids probably get more toxins from the traffic downtown. But it's just like picking on fat people when it comes to cigarettes, it's popular and easy."

HAVING BEARS OVER FOR DINNER, IN MASSACHUSETTS

Bears and humans are not natural buddies. To keep it that way, the city council in Northampton, Massachusetts (population about 28,500) has ordained that nobody should feed the bears, as obvious as that sounds. The necessity of the ban arose, by the media's account, after local man Thomas Wooster allegedly put out bird feeders that attracted the lumbering behemoths onto his property – and onto the property of his alarmed neighbors. In his defense, Wooster says the GPS devices that officials use to track the bears aren't accurate enough to prove they're swarming his house.
The Northampton bear issue has been sizzling for a while. Before casting their votes on the feeding law, council members got to read a letter from Environmental Police Officer John Pajak, who claimed that a paramedic was licked by a curious bear. Reports MassLive: "'Apparently the paramedic wears a cocoa butter moisturizer with coconut oil in it,' Pajak wrote. 'After she screamed, the bear must have figured out that she was not ‘food’ because it ran off.'"

[Count Bobulescu]

Malt Liquor in Washington State

It's a sad day for brew lovers in East Central Spokane. Faced with a rash of malt-fueled boorishness, the city has decided to rid the neighborhood of cheap, high-alcohol beers like Stack, Natty Daddy, Blast, Earthquake, Dog Bite and something called Vampt's "Smooth Talker." The prohibition mirrors another passed two years ago in downtown Spokane, and covers all beverages with a 5.7 alcohol content or higher. However, critics complain that these bans simply make alcoholics relocate to other parts of the city; after the downtown ban went into effect, for instance, emergency calls for intoxication went up 80 percent in East Central. But it's hard to fault the decision-makers for attempting to gain control of the situation. Spokane has gotten particularly bad press this summer, with stories about a boozed-up, middle-aged naked woman ramming her boyfriend's car, a foggy-headed man showing up inside a senior citizen's house in the middle of the night ("I am not trying to start anything here"), and a drunk law student driving over a young child riding a bicycle. Even the pilots landing in Spokane have had a few too many.

Cowbells in Austria

The ruling of the Austrian court is clear: less cowbell. In a blow to the country's musical-ungulate fans, last month a judge upheld a law that cows should not wear bells when confined in fenced meadows if their incessant clanging disturbs the neighbors. The case originated with a farmer in the small town of Stallhofen, who had a herd of cattle that tolled regularly through the night and kept up everyone within hearing distance. The man refused to take off the bells, according to Der Spiegel, because "they were traditional and had a generally calming effect." (They also help an owner locate a lost animal.) But a judge who visited the scene agreed with neighbors that the ringing was a nuisance, especially when the beasts scraped against a metal trough. Now Stallhofen is presumably locked in eerie silence save for the occasional moo, at least until the farmer finds the loophole that lets him to put concertinas onto hooves.


Turkey feeding in New Jersey

A town that's knee-deep in turkeys has forbidden residents from feeding the snooded birds or face a $2,000 fine. You read that right: This burg is so terrified of the Thanksgiving centerpieces that throwing one a kernel of corn could ding you the amount of a used car. Officials in Hainesport, just south of Trenton, adopted the ban after residents reported being attacked on a walking path by the bulky, virgin-birthing gobblers. A postal worker complained that he got pecked whenever he tried to deliver a letter, and the woman in the hilarious Fox news report above got run off her land by an irate bird and eventually fell on her face. ("I think he was trying to eat me.") Locals blame the turkeys' bad behavior on people feeding them all the time; when somebody cuts them off, they apparently revolt. State officials plan to clear the town of turkeys when the fall comes.



APPLE COMPUTERS, UNBANNED! IN CALIFORNIA

Outraged that Apple opted out of a certification program for green electronics, called EPEAT, San Francisco earlier this month declared that government employees should not buy any of the company's computers. Background: Apple recently pulled 39 of its products from EPEAT due to the interesting "design direction" in which the tech behemoth is headed. That direction involves gluing the hell out of everything, making the devices nearly impossible to disassemble for recycling, with Kyle Wiens at iFixIt.com calling the 15-inch Retina MacBook Pro the "the least repairable laptop we’ve ever taken apart." But shortly after San Fran gave Apple the fish eye, the company elected to fix what it called "a mistake" and restore its hardware to the EPEAT list. Now they're golden with the West Coast, says SF Environment's Guillermo Rodriguez: "When Apple elected to withdraw their products from the EPEAT clearinghouse, it triggered a law that says we can only purchase products on that list.... Now that they've elected to come back on list, that means our green-business ordinance allows us to buy them again."

CHAINED MUTTS, IN VIRGINIA

In a worrisome development for lawmaking, the city of Hampton (population about 137,000) banned the tethering of dogs based on the results of an online poll. The coastal 'burg put up the poll for a week and found that more than half of 2,000 respondents thought chaining dogs was "inherently not good for animals," making them miserable or aggressive toward humans. (Seven percent disagreed.) So naturally the informal sampling became a codified ordinance. Next up for Hampton's city council: Ordering Michael Jackson's kids into foster care, because really, that family is crazier than a shaken-up crate of mongooses.


MEDICAL MARIJUANA, IN CALIFORNIA

Back-pain sufferers, and those who like to pretend they have back pain, are outraged over a new ban on medical-marijuana dispensaries in Los Angeles. In a huge blow to legalizin' it, on Tuesday the city council passed a unanimous prohibition against the city's roughly 800 weed shops. The ban, which may conflict with a recent California District Court of Appeal ruling that allowed dispensaries to operate in unincorporated L.A., comes after citizens complained of proliferating pot businesses and people puffin' all ultra-chill on the streets. The reaction of netizens has not been exactly compassionate. A Twitter search for “medical marijuana” yields sentiments like, "The LA City Council banned medical marijuana shops. I gotta get my broker on the phone and unload all this Frito Lay stock.” And, "The L.A. has banned medical marijuana shops... pot smokers are staging a protest bright and early tomorrow at 4P.M."

[5intheface]

Cowbells in Austria

The ruling of the Austrian court is clear: less cowbell. In a blow to the country's musical-ungulate fans, last month a judge upheld a law that cows should not wear bells when confined in fenced meadows if their incessant clanging disturbs the neighbors. The case originated with a farmer in the small town of Stallhofen, who had a herd of cattle that tolled regularly through the night and kept up everyone within hearing distance. The man refused to take off the bells, according to Der Spiegel, because "they were traditional and had a generally calming effect." (They also help an owner locate a lost animal.) But a judge who visited the scene agreed with neighbors that the ringing was a nuisance, especially when the beasts scraped against a metal trough. Now Stallhofen is presumably locked in eerie silence save for the occasional moo, at least until the farmer finds the loophole that lets him to put concertinas onto hooves.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjsUf_oIgp0"]SNL-MORE COW BELL!! - YouTube[/ame]

I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

[Count Bobulescu]

STYROFOAM, IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Los Angeles has taken a commendable step toward environmental responsibility by eliminating the use of polystyrene in its public-school cafeterias. Wait – schools still use this stuff? Apparently so: The banning process began not so much at the behest of lawmakers but of students at Thomas Starr King Middle School, who decided to see just how much landfill waste their daily lunch hour was producing by stacking up all their Styrofoam lunch trays. The resulting spire of hard-to-degrade trays reached 30 feet into the sky like a leaning tower of pizza grease.

Officials from the L.A. Unified School District called a press conference last week to announce they would be whisking polystyrene platters away for good, not just because they suck for the planet but also because the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services recently determined that styrene was "reasonably anticipated to be a carcinogen." The move comes as California legislators mull a total prohibition on these food containers, which would be the first such statewide ban in the nation.

A TRACTOR YAHOO, IN THE U.K.

A man who stole a red tractor in Weald, Kent, and took police on a puttering, sloth-speed chase last November has been banned from driving for a year. John Davis, who's 23, may have had his hair slightly tussled when he approached 30 m.p.h. with the bobbies hot on his tail. It took 18 miles before the pursuit ended with Davis crashing through an electric fence and running onto train tracks, proving that the U.K. police are either unaware of PIT maneuvers and spike strips or were just too busy laughing their asses off.

However, there is a serious side to this story: According to the Paddock Wood Courier, Davis' lawyer believes that there were some hard men who pressured him into heisting the stodgy farm vehicle. "He would not have done this without threats made to him," said the lawyer, raising the question: Is there a British criminal ring that specializes in removing stumps?

BIG HEADDRESSES, IN NIGERIA

Citing security risks, a church in Nsukka in Enugu State has forbidden its female congregants from wearing their prized, humongous head-wraps. Called "geles," these signature Nigerian hair coverings look like table sheets when unfolded but when properly in place resemble very fashionable beehives. But St. Theresa's Cathedral Church is concerned that women might exploit these possibly 2-foot-high accessories for the Muslim rebel group Boko Haram, which has been attacking religious buildings lately. The new dress code will help “security men to know when a bomb will be smuggled into the church," Reverend Father Uche Obodoechina told The Guardian. The church is also acting annoyed because lines of gele-rocking women can apparently form a "barricade" that obstructs the view of the altar. Starting next month, they will be confiscated.

RISKY DOGGY DANCING, IN THE U.K.

Britons who love nothing more than dancing with their puppies got a shock this week when the nation's prestigious Kennel Club allegedly banned the practice for being “humiliating and degrading for the dog,” according to this report in the Global Post. Waltzing with hounds is a common and much-loved “sport” in the realm of dog showmanship – it goes under the name “heelwork to music.” In fact, this year Ashleigh Butler and her four-legged pet Pudsey became the first inter-species boogieing sensation to ever win “Britain's Got Talent.” But the crackdown on canine cavorting wound up being overblown: The kennel club has since clarified that it is only concerned about “extreme moves” that could cause “harm or injury” to animals. Reports the Post: “This may include routines such as the Moonwalk or the Twist, which are particularly challenging for dogs.”

A FACE-KICKING PREACHER, IN ENGLAND

In a different twist on cruelty to animals, the U.K.'s Home Office has banned a preacher from entering the country because his gospel happens to include a belief in knocking people the eff out. A British government source said that a visit from Canadian minister Todd Bentley, who is gearing up for a European tour, was “not conducive to the public good.”

Why's that? According to the The Telegraph:

The former drug addict, who describes receiving "prophetic and miracle-healing anointing" from God, has previously used his shows to "cure" cancer by kicking his followers in the face or stomach.

In clips, he is heard telling an audience: "And the Holy Spirit spoke to me, the gift of faith came on me. He said, 'kick her in the face with your biker boot'. I inched closer and I went like this – bam! And just as my boot made contact with her nose, she fell under the power of God."

Bentley has fired back against the media with a statement explaining that he does “not expect a secular audience or even many Christians to understand these isolated moments of healing through a gift of faith.” He says the kicking incident was a one-time thing that happened 13 years ago, and that... well, here's the reverend himself:

While operating in the gift of faith, I felt I was to kick a woman in the face as a step of obedience. I do not understand it but she was healed and not injured! This is one of several isolated accounts where I have prayed in an unorthodox manner for individuals, but I do not consider it violence when no one is injured and it is the gift of faith operating.

[Count Bobulescu]

Baby Formula Is Out at Tulsa Hospitals:

Arguing that there's nothing better for a baby than a refreshing draught of milk straight from the source, two hospitals in Tulsa have stopped handing out free bags of formula. The move, which is meant to promote breastfeeding, is part of the Oklahoma Department of Health's “Ban the Bag” campaign; two-dozen more hospitals will soon make similar restrictions.

The rate of breastfeeding in Oklahoma cities is lower than the national average (71 to 77 percent), a problem given that research shows babies raised on breast milk are less likely to develop diabetes, obesity and some cancers. Medical experts fear that mothers are being lured away from natural milk by formula companies, who slip product samples into diaper bags given away at the hospital.

That practice sends a "pretty strong message to the mother that I might not be able to breastfeed successfully," according to one lactation consultant interviewed by the Tulsa World. Moms who really want or need formula can still have the stuff, if they ask.

“CRASHING LOL,” IN SOUTH DAKOTA

The Sioux Falls City Council is sick of your swervy, distracted driving. So it's decided to make texting in the car punishable by a $200 fine and 30 days in jail. The ban makes it a crime to send or even receive texts while behind the wheel, raising the question of whether you now must turn off your phone before beginning your journey, like in an airplane.

Sioux Falls' pols hope their embargo will help create a statewide law against, uh, drixting, but there are so many quirks and loopholes in it that that seems unlikely to happen. For instance, drivers are still allowed to engage in unsafe behavior like talking on the cellphone and fiddling with the GPS. And as long as they keep their hands out of sight, they theoretically can get away with sending a few whaddups to friends – the city's police chief has promised his officers will not to pull anyone over unless they see both a cellphone and bad driving, according to the Associated Press.

Still, this law is a move in the right direction. Studies suggest that texting is much more distracting than talking on a phone when driving, although the multitasking, crash-prone drivers paradoxically think they're incredibly talented on the road.

A HOON, IN AUSTRALIA

A “notorious hoon” has come a gutser in Wattle Grove, a suburb of Sydney, after officials deemed his driving was too bodgy to handle, reports the ABC. Ryan Joseph, 23, was arrested this summer after witnesses squizzed him doing burnouts in Neerabup with his 14-month-old ankle biter in the car. That made a judge at Armadale Magistrates Court mad as a cut snake, so the court sentenced the stonkered yobbo today to six months in gaol and took away his license for life. The hoon is now doomed to an endless walkabout, because in an absolute corker for justice, the state took his car and had it compacted, as per a strict anti-hoon law. Good onya!

[Count Bobulescu]

SAVING SOULS, IN NEW ORLEANS

It's still perfectly fine to air your mammaries on Bourbon Street while vomiting Hurricanes and wearing a necklace of plastic penises. But mention God or Jesus Christ, and you could face a $500 ticket. That's the rule of the bayou under a recent law that forbids lecturing about religion or politics from dusk 'til dawn. The ordinance is laser-specific to Bourbon; walk to the next block, and you're free to orate about eternal damnation until the nutria come home.
The New Orleans City Council passed the law late last year partly as an attempt to control the deafening legions of street preachers who descend upon the notorious, tit-strewn byway during festival time. Over Labor Day, eight preachers were cited under the law while picketing Southern Decadence, a four-decade-old gathering of LBGT partygoers. Interestingly enough, the chairman of the gay-rights group Forum For Equality Louisiana has voiced support for these yelling buzzkills. John Hill told the Associated Press, “My gosh, it's certainly a waste of their time. But they certainly have a right to say it.”

INCESTUOUS DANCING, IN RHODE ISLAND

A candidate for the Rhode Island Senate has seized on a most curious issue to fuel his campaign. If elected, Republican hopeful Sean Gately promises to tear down an ordinance forbidding, of all things, daddy-daughter dancing in public schools.
The measure, which applies to the school district in Cranston just south of Providence, originated last May after the ACLU complained that fathers swaying awkwardly with their blushing daughters violated federal law. To stage such soul-destroying displays of bonding, which girls will later tear out of family photo albums, the lawyers said the schools would have to promote “comparable” events for mothers and sons, according to the L.A. Times. Would flag football work, or maybe paintball?
After Gately made restoring these tortuous waltzes a pillar of his platform, officials in Cranston voiced their own distaste for the prohibition. Mayor Allan Fung stated that he was "utterly disappointed to have such a time-honored tradition under attack.” That prompted a harsh rebuttal from the ACLU, saying “the time has long since passed for public school resources to encourage stereotyping from the days of Ozzie and Harriet. Not every girl today is interested in growing up to be Cinderella – not even in Cranston."

DOGGY DOPING, IN ARIZONA

Injecting dogs with steroids is no longer legal in Tucson, after the city council banned it for being cruel and unnecessary. Tucson's dog lovers have been trying to get this law on the books for years, according to the Arizona Daily Star. In 2008, they succeeded in outlawing the procedure at a South Tucson greyhound race track. That ultimately didn't work, because the track's management simply drove the dogs out of the neighborhood and injected them in a different jurisdiction.
But in passing last week's ban, officials sided with the doggie defenders' opinion that sticking male hormones into female hounds can cause “liver damage, severe genital deformities and an early death.” The racing industry disagrees, viewing the practice as a legitimate form of birth control. Tucson's greyhounds have been under a high level of scrutiny of late, after an incident in 2006 in which 140 to 200 animals bound for adoption mysteriously disappeared. (If you've ever wondered what happens to unwanted greyhounds, at one point in the '80s the U.S. military was using them for unbelievable-sounding “bone-breaking experiments.”)

[Count Bobulescu]

CONCEALED WEAPONS AROUND CHILDREN, IN NORTH CAROLINA
Playgrounds:

To a lot of folks, these sandy oases are safe places to entertain the kids. But to some people in Morrisville, North Carolina, they're fraught with peril. Could an escaped convict be hiding inside the tire swing? A ferocious black bear waiting at the bottom of the twisty slide? You just never know, and that's why Morrisville's gun owners have been fighting for the right to pack heat in playgrounds.

The issue arose after the state passed a law last year allowing concealed weapons in local parks. That fresh breath of freedom has worried many municipal leaders around North Carolina, where suddenly everyone at the swimming pool or gym is potentially ready to start a firefight. At a public meeting this summer, Morrisville's police chief spoke in favor of changing the law for athletic fields, saying his officers "didn’t want to be in a situation where a parent got a little upset at a game because they felt like their son or daughter was not getting the proper attention or maybe they were tackled a little hard, etc., and the now-upset parent was there with a weapon."

Not buying that argument, dozens of gun activists from the group Grass Roots North Carolina e-mailed Morrisville's mayor to try to throw a wrench into the impending ban. No dice. The city council passed an ordinance late last month banning guns from most recreational areas, including playgrounds. The lone "no" vote came from councilman Michael Schlink, who said:

As the council heard, gun owners do not want to be stereotyped as an irrational, ill-informed, fringe group or possible criminals. Numerous public comments and studies have shown many residents feel safer in a public area like a park or greenway knowing it is legal to carry a concealed handgun.
With the new law in place, parents will now have to deal with dangerous intruders the old fashioned way: seeing who can hang on the monkey bars the longest.

GANG TOMBSTONES, IN NEW ZEALAND

NIMBYism doesn't end with death, at least not in New Zealand. After a grieving widow chose to exhume her man because she was offended by a nearby gang member's colorful tombstone, the Wellington satellite city of Porirua has voted to forbid "offensive" words and symbols on grave markers.

The act is a shot across the bow of the Mongrel Mob, a Maori-heavy gang with more than two dozen New Zealand chapters and about the same tattoo acreage as all the tramp stamps in Myrtle Beach. The Mongrels, as well as other gangs like the Hells Angels, have long had a tradition of decorating their fallen members' tombstones with insignia and phrases like, "Mighty bulldog known far and wide" and "Mob member hard and fast." These are actually the newer, vanilla cemetery catchphrases; for public decency's sake, about 10 years ago the Mongrels agreed to change their old slogan, "Sieg ******* Heil!" (They now use "SFH.")

The new laws of decor passed despite the Mongrels' attempt to hire a lawyer and take their case to New Zealand's highest court. They argued that the tombstone flair was a convenient way for members to find their buried pals, as well as an important show of cultural pride. As Mobster, historian and ex-con Dennis Makalio explained, according to the Dominion Post: ""People have worn this all their lives. It's part of their lives." Banning gang graves, he said, is "like racism. It's like, 'We don't want a Maori next to us.'"



"DIRECT ORAL SUCTIONING OF THE CIRCUMCISION," IN NEW YORK

Religious circumcisers must now seek parental approval before sucking the blood from a freshly cut penis, under new regulations by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene.

The ritual, known as metzitzah b’peh, is performed by some ultra-Orthodox Jewish mohelim as both a tradition and a medical measure, at least according to Jewish Week. However, New York's health authorities claim it's also a cracking way to spread disease. In a "Statement on Jewish Ritual Circumcision with Direct Oral Suctioning," the city says that its documented several cases of herpes in children involved in the practice, and that "[m]ost of the children reported were hospitalized, some developed brain damage, and two died." The CDC takes a similar negative stance, opining that circumcision is "a surgical procedure that should be performed under sterile conditions."

That's why NYC wants parents opting for the sucking treatment to sign a form saying they're aware of the medical risks. Or use a straw or sponge – anything, really, but the lips. Believers in the benefits of metzitzah b’peh aren't taking kindly to the regulations, though. According to the New York Times, ultra-Orthodox leaders say they will sue for city for religious infringement if the measure stands:

Some 200 ultra-Orthodox rabbis published a decree in late August warning adherents that it was forbidden “to participate in the evil plans of the New York City health department,” according to a translation by Yeshiva World News. And a Jewish religious court in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, went further, stating that oral suction was a mandatory part of the procedure that should be promoted.

“There is nothing to worry from metzitzah b’peh,” the judges wrote, according to a translation by the Chabad Lubavitch movement. “To the contrary, it is very beneficial, even according to the doctors.”

[Count Bobulescu]

MESSY EATING, IN ITALY

Roman officials are incensed that tourists are destroying their ancient city. First they targeted visitors for covering a 2,000-year-old bridge with “love” padlocks, causing part of the structure to crumble, and now they're PO'd that people are dropping food all over the place.

Well, no more: The next sloppy eater who drips tomato sauce onto the steps of a medieval church could incur a $650 fine, under a ban on eating or drinking in public places anywhere downtown. Mayor Giovanni Alemanno laid out his program to reform people who can't eat a sandwich without spreading mayonnaise everywhere in an executive order in which he complained of “episodes in contrast with the most elementary norms of urban decorum” that have “damaged monuments and artistic fountains," reports Time. One activist interviewed by La Repubblica claimed an ever harsher law was needed to win what Italians are calling the War on the Panino, saying, "We have an ordinance against alcoholic drinks, one against pub-crawls, one in the future against capri pants, but we still need a new law to give this city back its dignity."

THIS LITTLE PIGGY, IN MASSACHUSETTS

The residents of Brockton no longer have to live in fear of a pig. After seeking a court order to punt him out of town, plus a restraining order banning him from returning, officials have completed the de facto nullification of Porkchop, a 125-pound pot-bellied oinker.

The pig is cooling its trotters in a city kennel after an animal-control officer last Friday either kidnapped him from a front yard or enticed the animal to come on over into his truck, depending on whose side you believe. Owner Anthony Ruiz has a license to own the lil' porker (well, had – the city just rescinded it), but his neighbors have complained vociferously about the pig's wanderin' ways; it's escaped its pen and roamed the neighborhood more than a dozen times.

In explaining why the pig has to go, Executive Health Officer Louis Tartaglia said that it "could be detrimental to residents if it gets in the way of passing cars," according to the Brockton Enterprise, which is absolutely dominating this story (as well as running a feature on ready-to-heat freezer pork chops).
Speaking in front of a judge, Ruiz said that he would "love" to get his bristly pet out of Brockton: “The city isn’t deserving of him.”

FEAR OF THE SAGGY PANTS, IN FLORIDA

Recognizing that the city has a “legitimate government interest in attempting to preserve the quality of urban life," Cocoa Beach just banned saggy pants. Town leaders nipped this sartorial threat in the bud with Ordinance No. 23-2012, which prevents people walking around in public with "pants or skirts below the waistline that exposes undergarments or skin," reports the Smoking Gun.

The new law explains that the local dress code needs to be tightened in a rather round-about way, arguing that droopy drawers are anathema to a wholesome, family-oriented community with a population under 18,000. The crackdown on sag has perked the ears of at least one civil-rights leader. Alberta Wilson, president of the Central Brevard NAACP, told Florida Today: “I'm worried about enforcement, I fear a police officer getting some resistance and resorting to some means and doing bodily harm to a child."

[Count Bobulescu]

PUBLIC MISBEHAVIOR, IN BELGIUM

Most cities don't need to remind their citizens that it's wrong to pee in front of a police officer. Brussels, it seems, is the exception. Facing an increasingly uncouth public, the mayor of the Belgian capital and stronghold of the European Union recently upped enforcement against nasty behaviors like public urination, racist, sexist and homophobic language and not picking up your dog's poop.
The new initiative allows law officers to pop violators on the spot to the tune of $320, rather than sending them through the laborious court process. The move follows years in which nuisance-makers faced few legal repercussions, allegedly causing police morale to drop through the basement. Elke Devroe, a criminology professor interviewed by NPR, said law-abiding Belgians have grown fearful in this climate and that "her statistics show dog droppings on sidewalks rank first as an instigator of insecurity in Belgium."

BESTIALITY, IN GERMANY

A lonesome howl has gone up among zoophiles from Berlin to Bremen, as they soon will be prohibited from having sexy time with their animals. The German government has decided to outlaw the squirmy practice that's been legal since the '60s because, explained the country's agricultural chairman, it is "forcing them to behave in ways that are inappropriate to their species." (The animals, he means.)
Veterinarians and animal-rights groups have long called for an end to man-on-beast relations in Germany, as it likely can be psychologically and physically harmful to the animal. (And sometimes fatal to the human.) Germany's bestiality lovers, who are estimated to number some 100,000 strong, are reacting badly to this cone of shame locked onto their sexual freedom. Prominent zoophile Michael Kiok told Metro World News that his kinfolk are already the target of much hatred and discrimination. “There is a lot of pressure, many zoophiles have depression or even commit suicide," he said. "But I have never been attracted to people and my situation now (with Alsatian Cessy) is the best possible."

CELEBRATING THE END OF EXAMS, IN ENGLAND

And thus another fine British tradition bites the dust. After "members of the public were shocked to see more than a thousand Cambridge students stripping off and vomiting at a riotous summer term party on Jesus Green" earlier this year, the revered university has ordered its pupils to keep it down a bit, reports the Telegraph. In a rule that goes into effect next year, Cambridge officials ask that students exiting from their exams please refrain from littering or damaging property, "especially with food or drink," and not block the sidewalks and streets with their party-throngs.

For years the student body has celebrated the end of coursework by spraying wine and tossing bags of flour in the streets. Now, it seems like they'll have to shuffle out quietly like lodgers trying not to wake the baby. However, the kids still have their summertime bash, the notorious Caesarian Sunday. Aside from the vomiting and stripping mentioned above, last year's event also featured students chugging wine through condoms and urinating in flower beds. Cambridge has defended this tradition as “just a bit of fun.”