Jokes!!!

[Newsy]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of the Dail came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left
the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
TDs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

My niece just e-mailed me this joke. :D:D

Had to share it.....enjoy!!

[C. Flower]

;):)

[culmore]

funny but true

[5intheface]

How do you know there are Belfast People on your aeroplane?

The engines all cut out but you can still hear whining.

[culmore]

how do you know Jesus Christ was not from Derry - He fell three times and never claimed

[5intheface]

how do you know Jesus Christ was not from Derry - He fell three times and never claimed

They call it LegendDLA now.

[PaddyJoe]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Kerry?
He needed three wise men and a virgin...

[Seán Ryan]

When was the first mention of elasticity in the bible?

When Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles into the desert.

[TotalMayhem]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[TotalMayhem]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust..

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog.

[Lifeisagame]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,....Dad. ...I became a prostitute.. ."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside
plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

[Andrew49]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says:

'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..' The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says:

'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves....



...NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your very last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

'NO?!?!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...












'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Lifeisagame]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[wickedfairy]

My niece just e-mailed me this joke. :D:D

Had to share it.....enjoy!!

bet d TDs put in expenses for it regardless. :D

[Lifeisagame]

Humour about marriage

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'




---------------------------------------------


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'

____________________________________



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


--------------------------------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


________________________________________


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'

----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


-------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'




Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

[yehbut_nobut]

Bridget was only a poitín makers daughter, but Pat loved her still.

[5intheface]

Bridget was only a poitín makers daughter, but Pat loved her still.

She was only the roadmender's daughter but she liked her asphalt.

[Lifeisagame]

Cowboy's Chili


A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and
in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back
into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[ThomasB]

THe biggest Joke at the Moment is our country and the gombeens running it

[Andrew49]

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time..
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day holiday requires only a hold-all
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is €8.95 for a five-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 15 minutes in the Esso shop.

No wonder men are happier.

[wickedfairy]

Kidnapped
A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam just outside Dublin on the M50 motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Pensioners" have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenehan & Mary Harney, and a bunch of Bankers.
They're asking for a €30 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car taking up a collection."


The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[TotalMayhem]

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[Ah Well]

Clinton to Chelsea: I want you to marry a boy of my choice
Chelsea: I want to choose my own groom.
Clinton: But the boy is Bill Gates' son.
Chelsea: Well, in that case? Yes
Next Clinton went to Bill Gates
Clinton: I have a bride for your son.
Gates: But my son is too young to marry.
Clinton: But this young girl is a vice-president of IMF.
Gates: "Ah, in that case... Yes
Finally Clinton goes to see the president of the IMF.
Clinton: I have a young woman to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Clinton: But this young woman is Bill Gates' daughter-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case? Yes.

[PaddyJoe]

I know it is old and weary but it makes me laugh every time. :)
George Bush and Condoleeza Rice conversation:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[Newsy]

Noah's Adventures 2010
In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, now living in Ireland , and said: Once again the earth has become wicked, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing a long with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

I need Bord Pleanala approval.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I've violated zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We have to go to an appeals tribunal.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines to reach the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the red squirrel.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the squirrels - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the ICTU over using Polish carpenters on my building crew.

Now immigration are checking the status of all the people on the job.

The trades unions insist that I hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, NAMA seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.


'Fianna Fail beat me to it.'

[TotalMayhem]

Identity Crisis in Europe


1. Spain is not Greece - Elena Salgado, Spanish Finance minister, Feb 2010

2. Portugal is not Greece - the Economist, 22nd April 2010

3. Ireland is not in "Greek Territory'' - Irish Finance Minister Brian Lenihan.

4. Greece is not Ireland - George Papaconstantinou, Greek Finance minister, 8th November 2010

5. Spain is neither Ireland nor Portugal - Elena Salgado, Spanish Finance minister, 16 November 2010

6. Neither Spain nor Portugal is Ireland - Angel Gurria, Secretary-general OECD, 18th Nov 2010

[TotalMayhem]

Steve Jobs is considering buying Ireland to solve their problems.

It shall of course be rebranded iLand.

[TotalMayhem]

Cultural Differences Noticed at the G20 meeting in Toronto …

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/7956/20101125193401clipboard.png

The Canadian: Self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.

The American: Businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The French and the Italian: “LOOK AT THAT A$$!”

[Lifeisagame]

What's in a name?


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother,
Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick,
this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up
Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[Lifeisagame]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"


"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"


"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?





"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."



Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock!"

[C. Flower]

"What's the capital of Ireland?" "About ten euros" #getscoat

[morticia]

Q: What is the correct name for a group of bankers?

A: a wunch

[TotalMayhem]

http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/8540/20101125204238clipboard.png

[Andrew49]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight . His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him. "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?"

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight", she said.





He whirled around and screamed "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[Andrew49]

"What's the capital of Ireland?" "About ten euros" #getscoat

:D:D:D:D

Hurrah! We're on the Road to Recovery.

[TotalMayhem]

:D:D:D:D

Hurrah! We're on the Road to Recovery.

http://img545.imageshack.us/img545/8148/20101125212435clipboard.png

[morticia]

Are we entirely sure we want a recovery?? Back to the days when people paid E4.00 for a cabbage from Cavistons, because it contained "the right sort of slug"?? Heyday of Ross O'Carroll Kelly and all that??

Mind you, I'd kill for a pay rise....

[TotalMayhem]

TSA Bumper Stickers:

http://img545.imageshack.us/img545/9149/20101125230106clipboard.png

[TotalMayhem]

Logo of the Office of Government Commerce (http://www.ogc.gov.uk/) (OGC), an independent office of HM Treasury.

http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/5617/20101125231746clipboard.png

[PaddyJoe]

What should you do when you see a Fianna Fail canvasser limping around at the bottom of your garden?

Stop laughing and reload.

[TotalMayhem]

Dog For Sale

http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/1985/20101126010947clipboard.jpg

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more drug pushers, thieves,
murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro
only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

[Andrew49]

THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

1. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

2. Swat at flies that don't exist.

3. Tell people that you can see their aura.

4. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

7. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

10. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

11. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
.
.
.
.
And my favourite

12. Start grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

[Ah Well]

WARNING - CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

Still funny tho :D

YouTube - Postman Pat spoof

[TotalMayhem]

Just In Time For The Late Late Toy Show

http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/1792/20101126170406clipboard.png

from broadsheet.ie

[Béal na Bláth]

Latest "Brianair" from Matt Coopers last word is excellent:

http://www.todayfm.com/Shows/Weekdays/Matt-Cooper/podcasting/LastWordPodcasts.aspx

Click on "Last Orders" .

[Andrew49]

The IMF are re-organising FAS courses - mainly to tie in with their plans
for the future workforce in Ireland.

UPSKILLING FOR THE UPTURN

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/fun-1.jpg

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/connecttwo.jpg

[wickedfairy]

Cultural Differences Noticed at the G20 meeting in Toronto …

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/7956/20101125193401clipboard.png

The Canadian: Self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.

The American: Businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The French and the Italian: “LOOK AT THAT A$$!”

not one of them made an effort to pick it up for her, disappointing that. Guess their housekeepers, PR people or wives do it at home for them eh?

[wickedfairy]

Latest "Brianair" from Matt Coopers last word is excellent:

http://www.todayfm.com/Shows/Weekdays/Matt-Cooper/podcasting/LastWordPodcasts.aspx

Click on "Last Orders" .

very good, surely their wives and parents must be getting worried at this stage. Wonder are there many of them suggesting to their partners that they should go and see Mary. Before they don't get served in restaurants any more.

[Béal na Bláth]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3377/3283804103_e9fdf5c41d_o.jpg

[Dr. FIVE]

Did ye about the calf born with three legs ?

































The mother had the udder


















































Sorry

[Andrew49]

Moving swiftly along .....

Actual epitaphs from real tombstones:

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

[5intheface]

Did ye about the calf born with three legs ?

































The mother had the udder


















































Sorry


So



























You




















Should




















Be. :)

[TotalMayhem]

Fail Compilation November 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDg7CiHAPqg

[wickedfairy]

Just In Time For The Late Late Toy Show

http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/1792/20101126170406clipboard.png

from broadsheet.ie

any chance of getting the FF logo on its own off that TM?

[TotalMayhem]

any chance of getting the FF logo on its own off that TM?

Well, you can cut it from the original picture. If that's too small, I just made up this one here on the quick.

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/6685/20101201213004clipboard.png

[wickedfairy]

a million thanks - you are a genius.;)

[TotalMayhem]

a million thanks - you are a genius.;)

Here's another one i just stumbled upon:

http://img718.imageshack.us/img718/3662/20101203160444clipboard.png

[moss]

What do you call a man with a hotel on his head ?


Norman Tebbit.

Boom boom




Who was the fastest talker in the house of commons ?

Norman Tebbit. He went through 3 stories in half a second.

*sorry they're old but I never get tired of them

[Andrew49]

BRIAN COWEN'S rating is now lower than the interest rate on Irish bonds!

The Herald (http://www.herald.ie/national-news/backlash-over-biffo-points-to-polls-wipeout-2447074.html)

[matt]

Here's another one i just stumbled upon:

http://img718.imageshack.us/img718/3662/20101203160444clipboard.png

That is very good - fancy waiving copyright so that it can be mass-produced on stickers for the GE ? Every FF poster should have one...
Give a roll of the stickers to kids - they'll gladly oblige. Even more so if you could work some obscenity into it...

[TotalMayhem]

be my guest, i just made it up, based on FF logo used for latest rant of Bock The Robber (http://bocktherobber.com/2010/12/fianna-fail-wiped-out-in-polls). ;)

[RahenyFG]

What's black and white and red all over?

a dead nun falling down the stairs

[Lifeisagame]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

....Not a lot of people know this.

[C. Flower]

http://wheelspinninghamsterdead.com/image/archive/twobrians/00033-aceinthehole.pnghttp://wheelspinninghamsterdead.com/comics/0041-ace.html

[Kev Bar]

Did ye about the calf born with three legs ?

































The mother had the udder


















































Sorry

You had fcuking better be!

[Andrew49]

Charles and Camilla are apparently a bit flummoxed by the whole marriage thing. It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place:

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were misplaced and she was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. Because of the type of construction done following the Windsor Castle fire, the adjoining walls were made of plasterboard.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got! "
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[TotalMayhem]

YouTube - Funny Christmas Commercial

[TotalMayhem]

This one's for Sam and morticia ... ;)

Diary of our first Canadian Winter

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print, so romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!


December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor
tells me not to worry . . .we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.


December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought
a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.


December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
sh!t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.


December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house This morning. What is
she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.


December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an
hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted
me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.


December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight

- 20 Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's
really getting on my nerves.


December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours
of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BlTCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a
million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.


December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?

[TotalMayhem]

A father and son deal


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair..and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

Your going to love the Dad’s reply:



—- his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[TotalMayhem]

THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 )

YouTube - THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 )

[Sam Lord]

This one's for Sam and morticia ... ;)

Diary of our first Canadian Winter



:D:D

Very good. Very accurate.

[Baron von Biffo]

THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 )

YouTube - THE DIGITAL STORY OF NATIVITY - ( or Christmas 2.0 ) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZrf0PbAGSk)

:D:D

Love the "Avoid Romans" and "Joseph bought a cow and a donkey" :D

[TotalMayhem]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.



This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:





Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?



A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.





Q.. Where will the government get this money ?



A. From taxpayers.





Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?



A. Only a smidgen of it.





Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?



A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.





Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?



A. Shut up.





Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Irish economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:







* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .





* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.





* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .







* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..





* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .







* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .







* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.





Instead, keep the money in Ireland by:





1) Spending it at car boot sales, or



2) Going to night clubs, or



3) Spending it on hookers, or



4) Beer or whisky or



5) Tattoos.



(These are the only Irish businesses still operating in Ireland )



Conclusion:



Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed hooker that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !



No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[TotalMayhem]

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/1271/20110105185030clipboard.png

[TotalMayhem]

My Blackberry Is Not Working!

YouTube - My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

[RahenyFG]

Why didn't Niall Prenderville fly with Ryanair?

Because he knew they would have charged him handling fees

[Count Bobulescu]

100,000 people worldwide voted this “world’s funniest joke” defined as, most understood across cultures and demographics, of 40,000 jokes submitted. It was written by Irish Citizen and creator of the Count Bobulescu character Spike Milligan. See LaughLab.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" [3]

The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke

[C. Flower]

Lovely. From the same tradition: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

YouTube - Peter Cook & Dudley Moore (In the pub)

[C. Flower]

Odd combination: the young Fintan O'Toole introduces Stephen Fry's oration on Cook's death, finished off by a small joke.

YouTube - Stephen Fry attacks media coverage of Peter Cook's death

[Baron von Biffo]

finished off by a small joke.

Paul Gogarty killed someone?

[TotalMayhem]

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/6851/20110108132416clipboard.png

[TotalMayhem]

WTF??? :D

http://i55.tinypic.com/11qold4.jpg

[C. Flower]

Paddy spent all New Year's Eve and most of the night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, 'I think you've had enough for today Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.
He spins around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face. '*****' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. '*****! *****!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the path and falls flat on his face. 'Jaysus.... I'm fuckin' locked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fuckin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. '**** it' he says and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fuckin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[5intheface]

YouTube - Sir Clement Freud Joke on BBC

Asked just before his death about how it felt to be in his 80s, Freud said, 'Put it this way, when a young lady now asks me if I'd like to go upstairs and have sex, i reply, 'you choose' '.

[Count Bobulescu]

Rules Of Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
There is always one more son of a ***** than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
"NO" is only an interim response.
You can't kill a bad idea.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting

[matt]

YouTube - Sir Clement Freud Joke on BBC (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk)

Asked just before his death about how it felt to be in his 80s, Freud said, 'Put it this way, when a young lady now asks me if I'd like to go upstairs and have sex, i reply, 'you choose' '.

A strange man, there. Schooled in an institution that encouraged nine & ten year olds to experiment with vodka and nudity, by his own admission on a BBC doc.
Odd family, too...

[Dr. FIVE]

http://www.smugopedia.com/

[Gruffalo]

Liverpool FC's games are now being shown live on Gay TV.

Sky felt that the sight of 11 arseholes getting hammered for 90 minutes was just too explicit for their viewers !!!!

Boom boom!

[TotalMayhem]

Bertha Thompkins, English teacher, presents Grammatically Correct Pop Songs--all the hit songs you love, without those horrid grammatical errors.

YouTube - Grammatically Correct Pop Songs

Love it. :D

[TotalMayhem]

A guide to newspapers

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective ...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

[Count Bobulescu]

Nice TM.

What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is ******** the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

[eskerman]

A SHORT LOVE STORY ........

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental
train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


The End

[TotalMayhem]

Brilliant! :D

http://www.youtube.com/user/tippexperience?v=4ba1BqJ4S2M

[TotalMayhem]

Thank God, our TDs take their job more serious :D

YouTube - MP's tie too loud for Parliament

[TotalMayhem]

The opposition parties of the 31st Dáil, Sinn Féin and the Greens, have agreed to form a technical group:

Guns N' Roses

[moss]

A SHORT LOVE STORY ........

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental
train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


The End



Class

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/KBBNp.png

[TotalMayhem]

The new political math

http://i.imgur.com/10MN3.jpg

[Andrew49]

The opposition parties of the 31st Dáil, Sinn Féin and the Greens, have agreed to form a technical group:

Guns N' Roses

pmsl :D:D:D - that is a classic

[Count Bobulescu]

Omid Malekan, who produced the Quantitative Easing Explained video last year, has a new one on the Bank Bailouts. Cross posting in World Economy/How the Bankers Fleeced the World/Jokes.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/weigel/archive/2011/01/28/the-bank-bailouts-explained-by-talking-animals.aspx

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/TRopj.jpg

[TotalMayhem]

I can watch this all day :D

http://imgur.com/QH98X.gif

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/7yHEh.jpg

[TotalMayhem]

You almost feel sorry for them... almost! :D

YouTube - TRADING SILENCE

Bonus points if you recognise the movie scene at the end of the clip. ;)

[TotalMayhem]

12 Hilariously Inappropriate T-Shirts (http://www.oddee.com/item_97417.aspx)

[Munnkeyman]

You almost feel sorry for them... almost! :D

YouTube - TRADING SILENCE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ufxcMqsZpM)

Bonus points if you recognise the movie scene at the end of the clip. ;)

Trading Places :)

Trading Silence was the giveaway

[Griska]

89

...

[TotalMayhem]

YouTube - Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

"Luke, it was your father." :D

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/yHgP9.png

[Griska]

YouTube - That's the Most Illegal Thing I've Seen in the History of Wrestling!

[C. Flower]

From twitter ...



The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

[TotalMayhem]

Lie back and think of England :D (http://crownjewelscondoms.com/purchase.html)

[Legacy]

Freddy had a Boxer dog called Minton

One day Minton ate two of Freddy's shuttlecocks

"Bad Minton", said Freddy....


I'll just go get my coat......:)

[TotalMayhem]

Enda Kenny's Chance-o-matic (http://gammagoblin.blogspot.com/2011/02/play-enda-kennys-game-of-chance.html) :D

http://imgur.com/UFrFI.png

[joekilgobinet]

Another classic from Gift Grub!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bofn5ofaKis&feature=aso

[5intheface]

Complaints to Councils in Britain
Extracts from letters written
to local councils:



1.. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence..

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[morticia]

Brilliant, haven't laughed so hard in ages

[5intheface]

Do not let your children play near the railway line.

YouTube - train loop

[Sammy]

Cultural Differences Noticed at the G20 meeting in Toronto …

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/7956/20101125193401clipboard.png

The Canadian: Self-absorbed and disconnected from reality.

The American: Businesslike, unwilling to be distracted.

The French and the Italian: “LOOK AT THAT A$$!”



THE CANADIAN IS SMART, SOMEONE IS CHECKING OUT THE LUMBER !
BUT I GUESS EVERYONE MISSED THAT POINT OF VIEW...:D.. ;) Sammy

[Carlotta12]

Haha, very good. That was rather what I'd been thinking first too ;)

[Baron von Biffo]

Do not let your children play near the railway line.

YouTube - train loop (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47p59c-euuU)

That's Niall O'Brolchain's bullet train. :D

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/XemJd.png

More "goodies" here (http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britishtourism/page1) ;)

[TotalMayhem]

Now to cheer us up some silly one liners :D


A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:


What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Who don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.

The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.

She broke into song when she couldn't find the key.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.

When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.

How do you define a will? It's a Dead Giveaway.

The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.

Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Calendar days are numbered.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

What is the world's most popular wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts.

How do chickens dance? Chick to chick.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.

What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Sign for a networking business in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

[TotalMayhem]

Oh dear :D

YouTube - California On Egypt

[5intheface]

Oh dear :D

YouTube - California On Egypt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pedMB8zM2BQ)

:mad:

Why should we care about Egyptistan or any other part of Europe?

River Cairo and the Pyramids. :D

[TotalMayhem]

YouTube - Volkswagen Commercial: The Force (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0)

"Luke, it was your father." :D

Even better... :D

YouTube - Volkswagen: The Making of "The Force" Commercial

[TotalMayhem]

The Fianna Fáil Downfall Quiz (http://www.quizazz.com/quiz.php/825582/Fianna-Downfall-Quiz/) :mad:

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/4HA2j.jpg

source (http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/visualizations/because-every-country-is-the-best-at-something/#)

[C. Flower]

Deadly, Total. Worth a thread ?

[yehbut_nobut]

http://www.peoplesrepublicofcork.com/images/articles/Mubarak/fianna_fail_poster.gif

courtesy of http://www.peoplesrepublicofcork.com/articles/mubarak-to-stand-for-ff-in-north-central

[TotalMayhem]

That's it?

http://imgur.com/B991Z.png

No, THAT'S it!! :D

YouTube - Air Swimmers Remote Controlled Flying Shark And Clown Fish

[Dr. FIVE]

http://www.tribune.ie/archive/article/2008/feb/10/crisis-what-crisis/

[C. Flower]

From electionlit's blog -

http://cedarlounge.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/thought-this-was-good/


http://irishelectionliterature.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/finish.jpg?w=400&h=569

[Dr. FIVE]

lol http://davidcameronpretendingtobecommon.tumblr.com/

[TotalMayhem]

Mubarak moving on from being President already

http://imgur.com/0gG8G.jpg

[Kev Bar]

The Fianna Fáil Downfall Quiz (http://www.quizazz.com/quiz.php/825582/Fianna-Downfall-Quiz/) :mad:


Epic.

Don't tell anyone, i only got 65%.

[TotalMayhem]

WTF??? finegael.ie hacked again? :D

http://imgur.com/gH13i.png

... maybe not.

http://imgur.com/LmWdx.png

[Baron von Biffo]

http://i56.tinypic.com/25jibkx.jpg

[TotalMayhem]

Quite...

http://imgur.com/JO8Mq.jpg

[PaddyJoe]

Graffiti in Cork's Grand Parade:
http://i52.tinypic.com/27xl7r8.jpg

[TotalMayhem]

Aussies... :D

http://i.imgur.com/eNY1a.png

[joekilgobinet]

Rumour has it Mary Coughlan is at home comfort eating...

Her choice of snack...

http://www.irishdigest.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/mary-coughlan.jpg

Anything but Pringles !!
http://freddyo.com/media/wpmu/uploads/blogs.dir/1/files/2008/11/3pack_pringles_150_dpi.jpg

[5intheface]

Once you've flopped, you can't stop!

[TotalMayhem]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

[Andrew49]

To celebrate Ireland's win over England at the Cricket World Cup here's the best Cricket Joke EVER ... probably:

A kiwi was attending a test cricket match In Australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little down so he went to see an Aussie doctor. The doctor said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said "Ay, no mate na get stuffed". So he went for a second opinion from another Australian doctor He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi.

So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opinion from a Kiwi doctor. The doctor said, "Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off".

The kiwi then said, "Thank God for that, them Aussie doctors wanted to remove my test tickets!

[TotalMayhem]

Geaorge W. Bush and Sir Michael Tyson starring in The President's Speech. :D

YouTube - The President's Speech

[TotalMayhem]

Taxpayers money "at work" in Lisdoonvarna, Co. Clare. :D

http://imgur.com/9pLKC.jpg http://imgur.com/6gZkq.jpg http://imgur.com/BlLik.jpg

[mutley]

Anyone here got an ihpone :D
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/keyring.jpg http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/saggy-vag.jpg http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/adopted-dyac.jpg

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/obsessed-sodomy.jpg http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/pretty-meg.jpg

[TotalMayhem]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself. If you're not ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

[5intheface]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,



'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'








The girl leaned over and said,
















'Burrr … gurrr … king'

[TotalMayhem]

... maybe stronger than THE FORCE. :D

YouTube - Volkswagen Commercial: The Force (Toyota Parody)

[Baron von Biffo]

The VW Jihad.

YouTube - Volkswagen (banned commercial)

[TotalMayhem]

Poor Lucy Lou... :D

http://imgur.com/Yseni.png

Thanks to the Broadsheet (http://www.broadsheet.ie/2011/03/09/lucinda-why-are-nuns-called-nuns/)

[Count Bobulescu]

Joke on the Real Time With Bill Maher Show.

Sarah Palin heard about what happened in Japan, and demanded we invade Tsunami.

[Baron von Biffo]

The successor to Windows7 - Windows Really Good (http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/WinRG2.htm)

[TotalMayhem]

The successor to Windows7 - Windows Really Good (http://www.deanliou.com/WinRG/WinRG2.htm)

YouTube - Windows RG (Really Good Edition!)

[TotalMayhem]

http://imgur.com/RWRV1.jpg

[Dr. FIVE]

http://www.networkworld.com/community/blog/nasa-satellite-snaps-rare-cloud-free-emerald-

[TotalMayhem]

YouTube - Hottie Body Hump Club

[YerraBoy]

Ian P goes to the doctor and says, doctor doctor 'everytime I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused'
long pause then doctor says 'thats cause you are a c%&t'

[Dr. FIVE]

Elephant in the Room says it is not responsible for all the world’s woes (http://www.themire.net/elephant-in-the-room-says-it-is-not-responsible-for-all-the-worlds-woes/)

[moss]

Ian P goes to the doctor and says, doctor doctor 'everytime I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused'
long pause then doctor says 'thats cause you are a c%&t'

Classic and versatile, I like it :D

[TotalMayhem]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.

-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"

-- "Sure do," says Bubba.

-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."

-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.

-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"

-- "Gawly!” says Bubba.

-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"

-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"

-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.

-- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.

-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.

-- "What in tarnation is logic?"

-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"

-- "No."

-- "Then you’re gay."

[TotalMayhem]

Go NZ!!! :D

http://www.break.com/index/frisky-alpacas-on-new-zealand-morning-show-2029948

[Mick Tully]

I swigged from a Tipex bottle last night instead of my liquid Viagra, I woke up this morning with a massive Correction.

[mutley]

I swigged from a Tipex bottle last night instead of my liquid Viagra, I woke up this morning with a massive Correction.

Cracker :)

[C. Flower]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitpic/photos/large/274987150.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJF3XCCKACR3QDMOA&Expires=1302555176&Signature=Re8Ufx2RfKfZHvL6ZedhYF1Ys8I%3D

[5intheface]

http://www.politicalworld.org/showthread.php?t=6297&page=82

I dont get it?

[Sam Lord]

http://www.politicalworld.org/showthread.php?t=6297&page=82


I don't get it.:confused:

[Sam Lord]

I dont get it?

Snap :)

[C. Flower]

Try again :D


http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitpic/photos/large/274987150.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJF3XCCKACR3QDMOA&Expires=1302555176&Signature=Re8Ufx2RfKfZHvL6ZedhYF1Ys8I%3D

[Dr. FIVE]

Tis true.

[Sam Lord]

Try again :D

The other one was funnier ...

[C. Flower]

The other one was funnier ...

What did it say ?

[5intheface]

Try again :D

Ah! Pie Charts!

http://www.foundshit.com/pictures/funny/rick-astley-pie-chart.jpg

[Baron von Biffo]

There was a doctor on the radio today warning of the danger of too much sodium in ones diet. I take these scare stories with a pinch of salt.

[Sam Lord]

What did it say ?

"Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent." — Ludwig Wittgenstein

:D

[C. Flower]

"Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent." — Ludwig Wittgenstein

:D

Now that is funny. :)

[Count Bobulescu]

The Oregon State Legislature was “Rickrolled”. To understand this joke/prank, first click the link. Then click the NPR set-up piece audio link at top, 3 mins. Then click YouTube, 90 seconds. Then ask yourself, apart from Ming and Wallace, could the crowd in Leinster House ever pull off a stunt like this?

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/04/13/135385998/rickrolled-or-how-one-politician-overcame-partisan-divide-to-pull-a-prank

[Griska]

One doing the rounds in England:

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?

Because he said he wouldn't.

(sorry):(

[5intheface]

http://www.hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet. com/

[Griska]

http://www.hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet. com/

http://hastorresscoredforchelsea.com/

[5intheface]

http://hastorresscoredforchelsea.com/

Penned this little number for an ardent Blue a few weeks back, might be able to use it next year still. The 'Henry' gag refers to the mate whose surname is Henry and he was originally from a place called Inishrush. To the tune of John Prine's, 'That's the way the world goes round'


John Henry called me up about a Number 9
Kenny wants the pony-tail, from the Tyne
50 million quid will do just fine
Sure we might as well give him away.

Now I’m on the news and it’s hard to explain
He’s rubbish in the sun and he’s worse in the rain
I swear he scored once but that was in Spain
Just hope he comes good some day.

Chorus

And Roman is red but it isn’t blushing
He shouting something blue but I think it’s in Russian
They can hear it from the Bridge to Inishrush and
The only Henry smiling is John.

Now all the loyal blues think I’m not meticulous
It’s getting even worse than Charlie Nicholas
Even Gary Birtles doesn’t seem so ridiculous
At least they both found the net

But Fernando says he still sees it as a lift
One day you’re sixth, the next you’re fifth
We could catch Spurs if we had a little width
But I don’t think I’ll take the bet

Chorus

Ashley swears to me he can sort it in one
If the cops would only give him back his gun
Or maybe John Terry could give his wife one
And make him want to leave this place

Now Didier’s Shaman has taken a call
He’s sticking big pins in a wee blond doll
I’m sure it must be working for he’s scored **** all
We’re not even in the title race

Chorus

Now all the Gorillas are starting to plead
It’s getting more and more like Children in Need
Wait until we get into The Europa League
Maybe then he’ll find his feet.

Frank spends all his days on the physio’s bench
The driving ban and fine was a terrible wrench
Asks me if I know what is the terrible stench?
I tell him it’s the smell of defeat.

Chorus

[Griska]

Penned this little number for an ardent Blue a few weeks back, might be able to use it next year still. The 'Henry' gag refers to the mate whose surname is Henry and he was originally from a place called Inishrush. To the tune of John Prine's, 'That's the way the world goes round'


John Henry called me up about a Number 9
Kenny wants the pony-tail, from the Tyne
50 million quid will do just fine
Sure we might as well give him away.

Now I’m on the news and it’s hard to explain
He’s rubbish in the sun and he’s worse in the rain
I swear he scored once but that was in Spain
Just hope he comes good some day.

Chorus

And Roman is red but it isn’t blushing
He shouting something blue but I think it’s in Russian
They can hear it from the Bridge to Inishrush and
The only Henry smiling is John.

Now all the loyal blues think I’m not meticulous
It’s getting even worse than Charlie Nicholas
Even Gary Birtles doesn’t seem so ridiculous
At least they both found the net

But Fernando says he still sees it as a lift
One day you’re sixth, the next you’re fifth
We could catch Spurs if we had a little width
But I don’t think I’ll take the bet

Chorus

Ashley swears to me he can sort it in one
If the cops would only give him back his gun
Or maybe John Terry could give his wife one
And make him want to leave this place

Now Didier’s Shaman has taken a call
He’s sticking big pins in a wee blond doll
I’m sure it must be working for he’s scored **** all
We’re not even in the title race

Chorus

Now all the Gorillas are starting to plead
It’s getting more and more like Children in Need
Wait until we get into The Europa League
Maybe then he’ll find his feet.

Frank spends all his days on the physio’s bench
The driving ban and fine was a terrible wrench
Asks me if I know what is the terrible stench?
I tell him it’s the smell of defeat.

Chorus

Brilliant!!
:):):)

[underheaven]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Kerry?
He needed three wise men and a virgin...

Funny !:D:rolleyes:

[underheaven]

THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

1. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

2. Swat at flies that don't exist.

3. Tell people that you can see their aura.

4. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

7. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

8. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

10. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

11. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
.
.
.
.
And my favourite

12. Start grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

Well I'm laughing! Very funny !;):)

[underheaven]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself. If you're not ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to.
What a shame.You need to go to Spain,where women [and men] still
have romantic hearts !:);):)

[underheaven]

Now to cheer us up some silly one liners :D

Hilarioso ! :):):):):

[C. Flower]

Well I'm laughing! Very funny !;):)

Yes I can see that this kind of behavior would be right up your street. Tres amusante !

[Count Bobulescu]

This is not a joke, it is a hard news story that falls into the category of “News of the Weird”. I couldn’t stop chuckling as I listened. Why would someone do this? A California man, David Deng has been charged with recruiting over one hundred Chinese immigrants into a “fake” US Army. Four minutes of audio here.

http://www.npr.org/2011/04/14/135417675/calif-man-charged-with-recruiting-for-fake-army

[Baron von Biffo]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here .

[Dr. FIVE]

Right so Il say it if no one else will.

What did Jesus say to John as he was nailed to the cross?








Save me an Easter egg. Il be back on Sunday

[antiestablishmentarian]

Heard this over on Politics.ie

Apparently, the Republican Sinn Féin newspaper, Saoirse, has outbid Hello and similar magazines for the photo rights for the British Royal Wedding and Irish visit. A spokeperson noted that it had cost them alot, paricularly as they only wanted one clear shot..........

[Spectabilis]

Aaahhgh ..... that's bad Antie.

[5intheface]

Heard this over on Politics.ie

Apparently, the Republican Sinn Féin newspaper, Saoirse, has outbid Hello and similar magazines for the photo rights for the British Royal Wedding and Irish visit. A spokeperson noted that it had cost them alot, paricularly as they only wanted one clear shot..........

Pfft! This Stateswoman is coming over here to help our Tourism industry and all these people can do is sit on the sidelines and snipe. Shocking!

Regards,

Eamon Wright.

[Spectabilis]

Aaagh, that's bad too 5.
Witty, but bad!

[5intheface]

Aaagh, that's bad too 5.
Witty, but bad!

No, just bad. :o

[Spectabilis]

Well if you say so Five!:)

[Baron von Biffo]

Kate Middleton asks the queen "What's the secret of a long marriage?" The queen answered, "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off."

[C. Flower]

Kate Middleton asks the queen "What's the secret of a long marriage?" The queen answered, "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off."

:D:):)

[Baron von Biffo]

Some restaurants to look out for on holiday.

http://i54.tinypic.com/6zr5ol.jpg

http://i54.tinypic.com/2m7ji2f.jpg

http://i52.tinypic.com/2njkosh.jpg

http://i54.tinypic.com/1116tyh.jpg

[PaddyJoe]

Not a joke as such but a very witty take on bureaucracy:
YouTube - 036, de Juan Fernando Andrés Parrilla y Esteban Roel GarcÃ*a Vázquez

[Andrew49]

Despite the big news story of the past week life goes on in the rest of the world:

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/18.jpg
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/3-1.jpg
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/4-2.jpg
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/5-1.jpg
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/10-1.jpg
http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/17.jpg

Source (http://surfwithberserk.com/in-other-parts-of-the-world)

[Baron von Biffo]

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/10-1.jpg


Obviously a commie - his pathetically small US flag is displayed back ways. Waterboarding is too good for him and others who hate freedom.

[Dr. FIVE]

http://i.imgur.com/hbKFr.jpg

[Dr. FIVE]

Only banks leave both doors open and the pens chained to the counter.

[Andrew49]

http://i.imgur.com/hbKFr.jpg

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/who.jpg

[Andrew49]

I was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then eff off'.

[Stendec]

I was in an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then eff off'.

Stendec doesn't get it???

[Spectabilis]

Karaoke, Stendec.

[morticia]

curry OK = karaoke....

[Stendec]

Karaoke, Stendec.

o ye right!!! good 1!!!

[Andrew49]

I bet on a horse today called Veenek Wasn't a very good runner but it was a decent jumper.

[Andrew49]

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"

I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

[antiestablishmentarian]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmVdSUdvSFc&feature=aso

[Andrew49]

Olny Srmat Poelpe Can Raed Tihs

http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c135/theknitter/onlysmartpeople.jpg

[Munnkeyman]

I flagged every second Fianna Fáil video on youtube as innappropriate
before the election and got this email today from them;).



We just wanted to send you a quick note to say we appreciate your help and vigilance in keeping the YouTube community safe.
It's the dedication from users like you that have helped make us the successful online destination that we are today.
Please continue to flag videos you come across that violate the YouTube Community Guidelines (http://www.youtube.com/t/community_guidelines?email=flagger_thank_you) and keep up the great work!
- The YouTube Team
:)

I flagged their videos as being divisive and hate-inducing.




We encourage free speech and defend everyone's right to express unpopular points of view. But we don't permit hate speech (speech which attacks or demeans a group based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, and sexual orientation/gender identity).

[Andrew49]

I won't beheading to Saudi Arabia anytime soon

[Dr. FIVE]

^
groan

[Dr. FIVE]

YouTube - Ben Goldacre at Nerdstock

[Andrew49]

I won't beheading to Saudi Arabia anytime soon

.. and I had to shelve plans to head off to Tenerife too!

I have a sore throat after yesterday (Man Utd, Stoke City and the Eurovision song scoring system), so I took a trip to the doctor this morning. He diagnosed me with laryngitis. I'm speechless.

[Griska]

YouTube - NO NEWS

[Andrew49]

This is not an empty space, it's where I've drawn a blank.

[Andrew49]

The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.

[yehbut_nobut]

Not a joke but...

This is actualy copied from the BBC newsfeed


1307: Chris Buckler BBC News. The Queen is now at lunch.

[Baron von Biffo]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[TotalMayhem]

How to fail exams with dignity . . .

No matter how far our exams are dumbed down, it seems it's not far enough for today's pupils. But rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some decide to take a more creative approach to their answers.

After scouring exam papers and speaking to teachers, humorist Richard Benson has collected the worst student howlers in a new book.

http://i.imgur.com/5NhEi.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/prA8q.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/zrHFz.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/7Ux81.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/A07Da.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/k2nO6.jpg

[Spectabilis]

Thanks for a great laugh.:):)

[Andrew49]

FAS Quiz

Management Potential

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager." The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
The Wrong Answer :: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year old.

[Andrew49]

I know a celebrity that likes to eat his dinner whilst sitting in his car at the traffic lights but I'm forbidden to tell you his name.


He has his supper in junctions.


I've heard twitter is calling 140 character witnesses for the superinjuntion trial.

[5intheface]

I know a celebrity that likes to eat his dinner whilst sitting in his car at the traffic lights but I'm forbidden to tell you his name.


He has his supper in junctions.


I've heard twitter is calling 140 character witnesses for the superinjuntion trial.

:D:D:D

http://www.thisisthings.com/image.axd?picture=2008%2F12%2Fthese_things_are_sen t_to_try_us.jpg

[Baron von Biffo]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two bits of bread.

[Andrew49]

We have a farmer in our village who displays a 'The End of the World Is Nigh' sign on his tractor - we call him Farmer Geddon.

[PaddyJoe]

Genuine real world answer to pub quiz question:
Q. Who spent 24 years on Robben Island?
A. The Swiss Family Robinson
:D

[Baron von Biffo]

There's really nowhere else for this.

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/letters/2011/0531/1224298143742.html

[Baron von Biffo]

Hackers from Beijing have broken into Gmail accounts. Google security chiefs acknowledged that they have a chink in their armour. :o:o

[Dr. FIVE]

YouTube - ‪Cowen Wikileaks‬‏

[Baron von Biffo]

Then there was the tragic case of the Tehran strip club - No turn was left unstoned.

[5intheface]

and finally, we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

http://www.redmolotov.com/images/designs/2ronnies_design.jpg

[C. Flower]

Hilarious 5intheface...

This is funny too -

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f03d464867/total-eclipse-of-the-heart-literal-video-version-original

[Dr. FIVE]

Never tire of this.

YouTube - ‪Irish Garda - guards... What we pay taxes for :)‬‏

[Baron von Biffo]

http://i52.tinypic.com/1zceqed.jpg

[C. Flower]

http://whatsdaveminogue.blogspot.com/2010/08/fish-tank-wanted.html

[PaddyJoe]

http://whatsdaveminogue.blogspot.com/2010/08/fish-tank-wanted.html
dass baaad:D

[Griska]

dass baaad:D

Das gut.

You're man's going to stop his motorcycle in Asia and have a little think about the dead son!

[Spectabilis]

Plus they waited a whole week to get rid of the tank.

[PaddyJoe]

And the punchline:

Hopefully they will let me and Frank adopt again.Class:D

[Griska]

These idiots may be serious, but I didn't want to compromise the integrity of the music thread with it.
Acapella metal anyone? (Well sort of, they have a drummer):eek:

YouTube - ‪Van Canto - Kings of Metal (Official)‬‏

[Baron von Biffo]

Mary had two little lambs
Their names were Jack and Gypsy
Mary's lambs got foot and mouth
And now they're black and crispy.

[Justin Casey]

The Tailor